Knock and enter
Unscrew the hinges and look inside of me
What would you see?
A hypocrite? A procrastinator?
I lay cold and awake
Listening to the blades of the fan make idle circles
As I count the stars I wait
Wait anxiously for the next jellybean epiphany

If I asked you if you felt the same
Would you reply?
The cold screen bares no remorse
Lies are told and truths are fabricated
When you see me from afar
Every once in a blue moon
Do you smile to yourself?

The weekly visits crush me
The energy in the room heightens
A brush on the arm
A soft breath on the neck
Through the grapevine messages are passed
Emotions hung on strings
Secret smiles, inquisitive looks
Is this really how I feel?

Then I’m stranded, torn
Am I beautiful?
Look where it counts
The physical stands rigid, a fortress
Between what matters and what simply exists
I should have been eight legs, weaving a web
In dark corners of rooms

Was it worth it?
After all the time
All the talks over distant waves
The dark rooms and spotlights
The empty halls and cracked speakers
Was it worth it?
To waste it all
I should have been a fly
And you, with your newspaper
You should shatter me
And then again, is it too soon?
Too soon to judge feelings, words, emotions
Do I dare?
Is it so soon that I begin to second-guess it?

And it’s your fault
And there I go again
Laying the blame on the world
My heart and mind dance to the beats of two different drums

And so I fall deep into sleep
And in dreams my world comes alive.